


city lights

by Finally_Home



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: And always will be, Angst, Has Been, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, I hate myself for this, I write angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, descriptive, goodbye to everything that was, i'm just so sad today i'm sorry, it's because i'm going through some hard times and whenever i do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:33:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22782571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finally_Home/pseuds/Finally_Home
Summary: yunho breaks, and the city lights remain oblivious
Relationships: Jung Yunho/Shim Changmin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	city lights

The night is dark, and the inside of the car is quiet. He takes his eyes off the road for a brief second, glancing at the man in the passenger seat. His eyes are glazed over, looking blankly out the window at the blurred shapes passing by. He hasn’t seen him like this in a while. Hasn’t seen him at all in a while.

He wants to say something right now, wants to call out his name, but is loath to break the nostalgically comfortable silence inside the car. His lips part, just a bit, shaping the syllables of his name; his tongue darts out, just a bit, enough to wet his lips; and then he turns back to the road, gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles turn white.

His fingers shine pale under the moonlight spilling through the dashboard, and the man driving leans his free arm against the frame of the door, head propped up on his hand. He’s tired, shouldn’t be driving, but they needed this. He needed this, the closure and the heart-to-heart that will undoubtedly come out during the late night. They know each other too well to assume otherwise.

The old car splutters to a halt, tires crunching gravel as he pulls into an empty patch of grass vaguely resembling a parking space. Wordlessly, the other man opens the car door and pulls himself out, all the grace of a longtime dancer in his movements, and he can only follow, locking the car with a press and click of a button. They walk together, side by side, to the top of the hill, clothes fluttering in the wind, hair blown across their eyes. 

It’s not easy to find such a place for such a beautiful view. The only other place he can think of is Namsan Tower, and in fact, this hill is not far from it. He glances to the side as they reach the top, the curve of dirt underneath their feet flattening to form a sort of platform, and the entire city of Seoul sprawls out in front of them, its lights glittering with a million different shades, a million different emotions. A million pieces of a million different people, themselves included.

For a moment, they only stand in silence, looking out at the city beneath them. In a way, the city really was beneath them. They had conquered it, taken over the world, and what was a city to a king? What was a kingdom to a god? The faint yellow glow lights up his face, as the stage lights once did, emphasizing the curves and angles, the soft and the sharp, and suddenly, out of nowhere, his heart hurts, as if he’d been stabbed in the chest and is left unable to breathe or move.

‘Changmin,’ he whispers finally. The pain is almost too much, and he feels tears in his eyes. ‘Changdol-ah, talk to me.’

‘What is there to say?’ Changmin’s voice is soft, as it had always been. ‘What is there to say, hyung? It’s over, we’re over. There’s no more, no more of TVXQ, no more of us.’

His voice cracks on the last word, and Yunho rushes over to embrace him, ignoring his futile attempts of struggle, only tightening his hold, burying his face in Changmin’s shoulder, until the younger man gives up and slumps into his arms. He doesn’t know when his shoulder became wet, or when Changmin’s arms came to circle his waist. All he knows is that they still are, at least in this moment in time, under the cover of the night, one that seems endless but that he knows will be too short.

‘I don’t know what you’ve been reading on the internet,’ Yunho says into Changmin’s shoulder, softly. ‘But we’re not over. We’re still TVXQ, we always will be, and I’ll always be your hyung. You’ll always be my Changdollie. If you want to start something else, I’ll be there every step of the way. Just say the word. Say the word, Changminnie, and I’m yours.’

But he won’t, Yunho knows. He never will. Ah, damn the hubris, damn the flaw, and Yunho does not resist when Changmin pushes him away, gently, as if afraid of hurting him, not knowing how his heart rips in half and gushes crimson over his chest. Yunho steps away, as if in a daze, in a dream, and watches Changmin’s face, his beautiful eyes, his lips slightly parted in a breath, and the tears, streaking down his high cheekbones. Unbidden, his knees collapse, and Yunho crumples to the ground, hitting the ground with a thump.

It should hurt. It should, but it doesn’t, and he barely registers Changmin’s hands underneath his arms, hauling him back to his feet, the voice beside his ear choked with tears, begging him to speak, apologizing over and over, I’m sorry, I’m sorry hyung, I love you, but I can’t.

I can’t. The words materialize in Yunho’s mind. I can’t either, Changmin, he can’t bring himself to say, instead raising one hand to wipe away the tears on the boy’s face. It’s been years, but Changmin will always be a fourteen year old boy to him, the fresh new trainee whose eyes flashed with indignation and spite on the day they first met. It was then, right then and there, that Yunho found himself falling for him.

And it must have been then, it must have been, that Changmin began to care for him too, if only in spite at first, to say that he could do it, despite Yunho’s harsh words. But then, it became something else. Something more than just friends, something deeper than just colleagues. They began to rely on each other, and Changmin grew up, and Yunho shouldered the fates of five people, and in the end, it was only Changmin who stayed, who silently helped him shoulder the burdens and held his hand and raised their interlinked fingers high into the air for the whole world to see.

In a single moment, Changmin had become his entire life, and Yunho doesn’t know how he can live without him. How can he, without TVXQ under his name, without Changmin by his side? What is his purpose in life?

There is none, he wants to say, nothing half as important as Shim Changmin and TVXQ, but everything’s over now, gone and blown to ash in the wind, and it’s all Yunho can do to walk to his car, lean heavily against the hood and let the cold burn of the metal bring him slowly back to reality.

‘I don’t want to leave,’ he whispers, and feels Changmin pressing his face into his neck. ‘Stay with me, Changdol-ah. Don’t let me be alone.’

Silence, a pause, and Yunho almost hopes that he’ll say yes. But in the end, Changmin’s fingers tighten on Yunho’s shoulder, grasps his shirt tightly, trembling, as if he doesn’t want to let go, but does so anyway.

‘I can’t.’ His voice is shaky, breathy, broken in a way that he’d never wanted to hear again. He sounds like a child again, and Yunho wants to throw himself at him, pin him down into the grass, tangle their legs together and press his face into his chest and never let go until the end of time. ‘I can’t, hyung. I can’t.’

They both know he can’t, and they know that Yunho can’t either. Couldn’t, though he would in a heartbeat. He would give up everything for Changmin, had given up his life already, would throw the world away without a second thought, the empire they built up and tore down with their own bare hands, bruised and bleeding. He would do it again, in a single breath, if Changmin asked him to.

But he won’t, and they both know that.

Beneath, the city lights twinkle on, oblivious with their sorrows and joys, disinterested in the insignificant goings-on of two humans on the top of a small hill. Would the lights care more, perhaps, if they knew that these two men once ruled the world, painted it red in their pride and glory? Would they care more, perhaps, if they knew that both men’s hearts had been torn and ripped, broken and mended and stitched back together millions of times, and were now both bleeding crimson again?

But they are only lights, and in the end, remain blissfully oblivious of the whole affair, even as Yunho draws himself up with a long shudder, as Changmin curls up in the passenger seat under his oversized jacket and cries when Yunho starts the car, as they drive away and disappear down the hill, into the endless night.

Tomorrow, TVXQ will disband, and pearl red balloons around the world will fly into the sky, but tonight?

Tonight, two people will break and mend and break again, and unbeknownst to each other, each will slowly gather the pictures they’ve taken over the past twenty years, sort through them until the sun rises, and tuck them away into the far corner of the closet.

Cassiopeia shines on, and the city lights remain oblivious.

**Author's Note:**

> i... am so sorry. i obviously would give my entire life and soul for tvxq to never break up, but like i said in the tags, i'm going through a hard time right now :(( and i just needed to write something for myself to feel better. granted, i don't feel much better, but i've gotten some emotions out.
> 
> #tvxqforever


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